Friday, September 29, 2006

More Random Stuff

(for Mike fans:"neener")

Why do I regularly find myself running into people who know me who I can't remember at all? Then I have to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out the who, what, when, where and especially the why of the relationship with this stranger who greeted me so warmly. (Now shut up! It's not always alcohol related - I am not a drunk!)

I do the fake, "how are YOU?" and smile while my brain is sorting through the possibilities. I usually ask, "how is everyone?" (trying for a clue) still smiling like I know who the hell they are.

Sometimes they give it away, but most of the time the response is, "Fine." so I'm still at square one.

The worse is if I'm with someone and the stranger is waiting politely for an introduction : ain't gonna happen since I don't know who you are. Playing this off is always a big test of my acting skills and my deodorant. Sometimes the deodorant loses.

I don't remember the names of a couple of people that I've have sex with. Messed up or just a little senility? I thinks it's pretty bad when I'm doing my head count (heh-heh on the pun) that I have to say, "that cute dude with the big 'fro from the Bronx" instead of "Marvin Atkins". I don't think I've had more partners than the average chick, so it's probably just a senility issue. I don't want to be a Ho' (did you know that it's really "whore" pronounced differently?) but if I am, I guess I just am.

I can name almost every teacher and professor I've ever had and most of my classmates from elementary school. (why this is something I'm proud of mystefies me).
I finally watch the TV show "The Office" - I love it! I used to work there - they called it Bell South Call Center at the time.
I've decided that I'm going to an afterwork party today - Why? I think I look cute today and don't want to waste all this fly girl. "A" doesn't get home from work 'til almost midnight so someone has to see me to appreciate it. Beer goggle compliments are always accepted here.
I went downstairs and hung out with my smoke break friends today - they're all so funny and cool and I missed them since I was afraid that I would break down and smoke if I went outside during the day. The urge is just as strong, but I'm still hangin in there. Why are there all these recent reports on how tough it is to quit?
A local radio show was discussing stupid songs. The discussion started after a caller asked the host to stop playing "Chicken Noodle Soup" calling it the dumbest song he ever heard. The host came back with "The DoubleDutch Bus" as the dumbest song ever and the caller conceded the point. What's the dumbest song played in regular rotation on the radio that you can remember?
How does a team go from "Superbowl contenders" to "worst in the league" in one week? Ask some of these ATL fairweather Falcons fans. Damn! It was only one game.
Love you "A".

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Blog of the Week Recap Stuff

Here's a list of some of the greatest pages on the internet. These are in the order they were posted (without the original witty comments).

Go stop by to see rev. steve, steph, ms. ann, laurie, dirk, mike, elaine, and mist. You will have a ball - guaranteed!!! (edit- thanks to rev. steve) (edit- thanks to deb)

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Health (Yeah right) Stuff

When Jali Cook does something stupid it's usually not just your regular "duh" kind of stupid. It's the "affect her whole life - makes even Mike Tyson question her common sense" type of stupid. The kind of stupid to make onlookers wonder how she made it to old age. You've heard that old expression regarding 'babies and fools'. Well, guess it's true.

My stupid highlight for this week (and yes there are usually a few to choose from - just like ESPN) is me at the health club on the first day.

I walked in to the workout area with my stomach sucked in as far as I could hold it (as to impress those out of shape people all around me) with a look of determination on my face. The place was pretty crowded and although I lectured myself on the car ride over, I knew I was going to totally disregard my own instructions as usual. (see, I know myself pretty well and try to avoid my self destructive bullshit - but alas these efforts are usually to no avail).

I told myself in the car that I was going to the gym to firm up a bit and to improve my health. I was not, I repeated: NOT going there to show the other people what great shape I was in. (especially since it's been FOREVER since I crossed the gym threshhold). I was not going to sneak a peek at my neighbors stats on the treadmill so that I could go one faster or longer. I would not count the number of sit ups on the incline the others were averaging so that I could do a few more. "This is NOT a contest", I told myself.

It seems that self is an ass.

I took the next available treadmill and immediately checked the stats of my neighbors - "That thin towel can't hide the information from inquiring minds like mine...hmm (squinting as I read) - Incline: 4.5 and speed: 3.0 to the right of me. Incline: 3.0 and speed 4.0 on my left."

I would have to make my incline at least 4.6 and my speed at least 4.1 to prove that I was the champion workout queen in the gym. I know, you're probably thinking WTF is wrong with her. It's not a competition.

I know this now, but by the time my machine started (after I input my stats including false weight information) the theme for Rocky was playing in my little confused head. I was huffing and puffing at the 20 minute mark, sweat pouring into my eyes and ears. I couldn't stop. There were still a few people who started the treadmill before me.

I was in misery. I was soaking wet and it was difficult to breath, but like a mindless robot I continued to jog along at an incline that was waaaaay beyond my capability.

Finally the other competitor gave up. Triumphantly I pressed the "cool down" button.
"Five more minutes? This machine must be f*^%ing crazy! I can cool down on my own."

I slowly wended my way through the various machines on the main floor of the gym, pretending to read the instructions; actually trying to catch my breath before the competition continued.

I happened to have noticed the very few sets of incline sit ups the previous ... people completed. I knew I could shine in this area. I did my first set of 10 with confidence - my form was great: no rush of movement - every slow sit up measured as I watched myself in the mirror. The next set wasn't as easy, but my form was still perfect - I had to show the onlookers what a great sitter-upper I am. I began grunting with effort and unconsciously sped up the movement during the next set. No reason that each one needed to last a count of 20. Okay, form might suffer a little but I have wonderful endurance. Shit!

Thank god (and I meant all the gods that have ever been worshipped) someone wanted to use the incline. I graciously and generously relinquished my position to the newbie, wiped off the equipment and made my way across the floor. (labored breathing - sweat still flowing)

OMG, would you look at the time!

I went into worried look mode (so that others would see that something must have happened to make the gym champion leave) and rushed out of there.

I sat and sweated in my wonderful car 'Guy' for a few long minutes before summoning the effort to pop in the clutch, release the handbrake and pull off.

more stupid to come...

Beta Stuff

Beta isn't betta!

(for those lacking the ability to read words outside of standard English the traslation: Beta isn't better.)

I base this opinion on the crap I've gone through trying to post on pages that have "upgraded" to Beta recently. I love you bloggers, but I don't have hours and hours to give to the Blogger gods regularly. It's frustrating to write a witty response to a wonderful post, hit the magic button and find it lost forever. Forever.

I've found that my efforts in reconstructing my comments aren't ever quite as good as the original try - it's difficult to find humor when you're pissed at a program.

Please know that I'm reading, enjoying, learning, copying (c'mon I run out of ideas sometimes), and improving based on your weblogs. My comment just might be lost in space (danger Wil Robinson).

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Copy Cat Stuff

Saw "25 Favorite Television Characters" post at 's page and I decided to be a big copy-cat today. (double speak for: she has no ideas and she's thrilled to find something she can use today)

The rules:
Must be regulars on the show.
No mini-series. (killed my plan to use Roots characters)
No reality show people.
No puppets or cartoons. (some of my favorites characters are cartoons)

It seems that stealing an idea isn't quite the same as using the idea well. I'm starting this list at 10:02 EST. Let's see how long it takes me to make 25.
List completed at 11:38 EST. That was fun!

These are in no particular order: Well, they're in the order I remembered them but not in order of preference. You know.

1. Claire Huxtable of The Cosby Show (Phylicia Rashad)
2. McGyver from McGyvre (Richard Dean Anderson)
3. Al Bundy from Married With Children (Ed O'Neill)
4. Men on Film aka Men on Books from In Living Color (David Alan Grier, Damon Wayans)
5. Homie Da Clown from In Living Color (Damon Wayans)
6. Stuart from Mad TV (Michael McDonald)
7. JonLuc Picard from STTNG (Patrick Stewart)
8. Joe Mannix from Mannix (Mike Conner)
9. Liz McIntyre from Room 222 (Denise Nichols)
10. Marie and Deborah from Everybody Loves Raymond (Doris Roberts, Patricia Heaton)
11. Phoebe Bouchet and Monica Geller from Friends (Lisa Kudrow, Courtney Cox)
12. Gregory House from House (Hugh Laurie)
13. Erica Kane (hyphen-hyphen, etc.) from All My Children (Susan Lucci)
14. T.J. Hooker (psyche!) Captain James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek (William Shatner)
15. Brisco County, Jr. from The Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr. (Bruce Campbell)
16. Grace Van Owen from L.A. Law (Susan Dey)
17. Det.Kima Greggs and Bubbles from The Wire (Sonja Sohn, Andre Royo)
18. The Tates, The Campbells and The Major from Soap (see IMDb - too many to type)
19. Jim Rockford and Angel from The Rockford Files (James Garner, Stuart Margolin)
20. Dr. Phillip Chandler from St. Elsewhere (Denzel Washington)
21. Murphy Brown from Murphy Brown (Candace Bergman)
22. Suzanne Sugarbaker from Designing Women (Delta Burke)
23. David Addison Jr. from Moonlighting (Bruce Willis)
24. Corrado 'Junior' Soprano from The Sopranos (Dominick Chianese)
25. Officer Bobby Hill from Hill Street Blues (Michael Warren)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Movie, (ahem) Film Stuff

I recently became another Blockbuster zombie. I walk up and down the drama and comedy aisles looking for "classic" films that I never took the time to see so that I'd be able to catch up with the rest of the world and stop smiling vaguely when any of these movies are mentioned in conversation since I hate to admit that I'm not in with the in crowd. (run-on sentences are funky!)

Here's a list of movies I recently watched and loved:

Confidence - Really good caper flick. Edward Burns is the selling point for me, but Paul Giamatti, Dustin Hoffman, and especially Frankie G were outstanding. (Frankie G was the mechanic in The Italian Job). A con within a con on top of a con - great stuff!

Lucky Number S7evin - love this movie - Another con caper - I was surprised at the end so I won't print a spoiler - but damn! (and I payed attention). I was SHOCKED at the ending. Josh Harnett was great, Lucy Lui was hilarious, Bruce Willis: terrifying. Morgan Freeman and Ben Kinsley were good as the crime bosses.

Akilah and The Bee - Wonderful and moving film. The lead actress was outstanding. Great to see Ike and Tina (c' know who the actors are) acting together again. (smile) This was my "feel good" movie of the weekend.

Tsotsi - I cried. And cried. This film was made in South Africa by South Africans - it's subtitled and it's the story of redemption. There are some scenes that are difficult to watch, but it's truly worth it. The tribe of little children living alone broke my heart.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - Sometimes a card sharp ain't as sharp as he thinks. Sometimes a gansta ain't as gangsta as he thinks. Sometimes a thief doesn't steal the show. Funny as hell, great dialogue. This little slice of London is a dangerous place to live.

This is Spinal Tap - I don't believe I missed this gem all these years. These guys are EXACTLY right as an aging rock band who just doesn't get it. I understand why this is a cult classic. Now I have to catch, "A Mighty Wind" to see these guys together again: Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer and Rob Reiner are great together. Good stuff!

I have a couple more DVDs left to watch: Hotel Rwanda and The Big Lebowski - Yes, I admit that it's stupid that I haven't seen these movies. Damn! Stop laughing at me. Stop it!

Just remembered a couple more recently viewed films and I can't do the same topic tomorrow so I'm adding these to the mix.

Inside Man - I loved putting the pieces together after the fact (like the hole that was dug). Much better than I thought after seeing the promos. Well executed plan and I really like the motive for the crime.

19 Blocks - Anyone can change. Great theme. I really liked this one too.

Nanny Mcphee - Good family film - Watch for the changes in Nanny Mcphee. Good little movie.

Blog of the Week That I Forgot to Post Last Week Stuff

I like this chick. A lot.

You will too! Please check out her archives. Look for "Hubby" post. Laugh.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Experimental Creative Stuff

Any takers? Can you do an entry using these parameters?

Begin the story in bed. End the story in bed.
A meal must be eaten at some point in the story.

Come back and link your piece here so we all can enjoy.

Word Verification Stuff

Sorry guys but the stupid 'bot comments have started, so I have to do the word verification- pain in the butt thing. I really hate some marketers! Please don't ever click on their links - maybe they'll eventually stop if there's no response.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Immature Stuff

I'm old as them thar hills, but my sense of humor hasn't grown up. I find certain names to be hilarious, and I have to really make myself keep a straight face when I find something funny that other adults just don't. Why other adults insist on being grown ups is beyond me. I'm here to have fun.

The name 'Dick Small' is just too funny to me. Why not call yourself Rick or Richard or Ricky? What if after he gets undressed you find that his dick really is small. What then? I know that it's currently PC to say that size doesn't matter - it doesn't when we're working within certain parameters - but c'mon, outside those parameters it does. (to all my guy readers - of course I don't mean any of you - you're the best! ...and of course your assets fall well within those parameters)

When I lived in NYC, I'd hear the name 'Lipshitz' on a regular basis, and I'd have to fight down the giggles. I'm sure the name means something fabulous in the mother tongue, but hey - we're in America, I'm immature and I always imagine some sort of vague little shitty lips.

When I was a kid (not as long ago as you think), I'd get excited when the new phone books were delivered - I just had to see if Zora Zzyz was still the last entry in the Queens directory. It didn't take much to amuse me back then and I remember always hoping that Zora still held her place each year. Sadly, one year I checked and there was a new sheriff in town - I actually said a prayer that Zora had only moved - not died.

Certain words make me smile for no real reason - (no, not the attractive cover girl smile you're imagining - that goofy, "oh shit" smile regulary worn by idiots all over the world). The word "monkey" is hilarious to me. "Pokey", "stinky", and "dooky" are funny. If you cross my path and I have that far away look in my eye and a stupid grin going on, realize that I'm probably thinking of stinky monkeys making dooky.

I don't generally like slapstick type humor but to watch an ghetto runway queen (every where she walks is a catwalk - everyone she meets is a potential producer) trip and wobble a little and then try to play it off (like - "I meant to do that") is funny as hell to me. I usually love it when someone gets knocked off the pedestal of their own making.

Another slapstick type funny move is the "shaking my long luxurious all natural hair out of my face...then the oh no, there goes my weave" move. I've never seen a chick pick up that lost piece of hair. They always ignore it and I suppose pretend that the honey blond extension is from another girls head. I've seen this more than once.

One of my favorite shows on television is South Park - I never tire of their very special brand of humor. My favorite character a while back was Big Gay Al. Why? His name is just funny. Big Gay Al. Say it out loud. Funny as hell. Then there's the catch phrases from the show that I find the need to repeat endlessly. "Tim-may! Timmy, Timmy, Tim-may! Some people get my joke and laugh, some people get my joke and give me "the look", some people think I'm a special needs adult since I use the character's inflection everytime I say it. "Tim-may! Timmy, Timmy, Tim-may!" I imagine it's probably annoying to others, but because of my immaturity level I find that I really don't care since it's funny to me.

There was a time when I would only watch TV shows like Ren and Stimpy, Mad TV, PeeWee's Playhouse, and Beevis and Butthead. I wasn't exactly the commercial marketing department's dream target audience for any of these shows but I was dedicated.

Gross jokes and mean jokes are my favorites to hear. I don't really tell them since I want people to think I'm nicer than I really am (isn't this another sign of immaturity?), but I truly relish hearing a new gross joke. Send 'em in - I promise I'll appreciate them.

Are you mature yet?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Unsportsmanlike Stuff

My quote from yesterday's post: "I won't comment on any other games right now except to say that I've got the Vikings and I've got the Chargers for tonight. I like the away teams this week. - oh and I hate the Redskins! "

I didn't see Minnesota stomp the Redskins - wish I had...

There were 16 games played this weekend/last night - only 5 home teams won their contests: Pittsburgh, New England, St. Louis, Jacksonville and Arizona.

Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Oakland (by the bay) were all shut out at home.

I love this game!

Monday, September 11, 2006

NY Stuff

I really do love New York. I'll celebrate the city as my tribute.

Take the NY-er quiz:

1. What is "regular" coffee?

2. Name at least 2 "Ray's Pizza" shops. Compare any versions of Ray's to a chain pizza shop -Pizza Hut (shudder) or Dominos (ugh).

3. What's a "dirty dog?"

4. What do you play skelly with? Where?

5. Where are most of the handball courts found? What kind of ball is used?

6. Where's uptown?

7. What's commonly called "the city"?

8. What's a bodega?

9. What is a botanica?

10. Where can you buy bun and cheese?

11. Where can you find roast duck to go 24 hours per day?

12. What do you always find in the front display at a diner?

13. Is Amtrak at Grand Central Station?

14. Grand Central Parkway is called ___________ when it reaches Nassau County.

15. What borough never had the 718 area code?

16. What's a dollar van?

17. Where do serious "ballers" play in the Village?

17a. Where's the Rucker?

18. Where in the city was the Paradise Garage? The Loft?

19. Where is the city's biggest "Labor Day Parade" held?

20. Name 3 free bridges in the city.

21. What's a bialy?

Random Stuff

This weekend was cool.

Let's go backwards and talk about Super (yes it was dudes - yes it was) Sunday first.

The Falcons and the Panthers - 20 to 6 - The Falcons kicked ass! Pretty good game on Fox yesterday but some of the camera angles in the broadcast were ridiculous. Hint - We really do want to see the wide receiver actually catch the ball. Vick was pretty sharp - A couple of really nice drives.

Indy and New York - 26 to 21 - The outcome was really not unexpected - I'm a Giants fan and would have loved for Eli to beat Peyton and the final score indicates that it wouldn't be an impossible dream. I didn't see the broadcast, but I've read the game play by play and I'm happy that it wasn't at all one sided. Peyton is undoubtedly a superstar QB and Eli seems to be on his way. Oh, and I like the commercials with Archie.

The Saints vs the Browns - 19 to 14 - Finally, I can say the name "Bush" with pride.

Cowboys and Jags - 24 to 17 - Byron Leftwich did a great job leading his team yesterday. In the 2nd half of the game Drew Bledsoe obviously did not. T.O. had a respectable game IMO and I hope some of his critics shut up. (I hate the Eagles and anything T.O. does well this season is a slap in Andy R's face) Bill Parcells has bigger boobs than me. I didn't notice them back when he was coaching the Giants since he usually wore a jacket since it's a little cooler up north - man! - get the dude a bra! I still don't know what that challenge was for right before the snap - just a waste of a timeout.

Baltimore at Tampa Bay - 27 to 0 - The very first play I saw in this game was the Ray Lewis (my hero) sack in the 3rd quarter. No pirate ship firing this week, huh? Steve Mcnair has found his stride.

The Bears vs the Packers - 26 to 0 -Time for Brett to retire! I thought that it was ridiculous to allow Favre to play 3 full quarters in the 2nd game of the pre-season and it's ridiculous to leave him in after so many incomplete passes and sacks. I'm glad for the shutout and I hate the Bears. BTW -"A" is from Mil-wack-ee - he hates it when I say that, so it seems I must - sigh.

NY Jets vs the Titans - 23 to16 -Without Herman (alas, I still can't think of him as the chief of the Chiefs) the team is doing pretty well. As for the Titans - too little too late.

I won't comment on any other games right now except to say that I've got the Vikings and I've got the Chargers for tonight. I like the away teams this week. - oh and I hate the Redskins!

Saturday was a good day - I went bowling with "A" and his coworkers and I actually played 2 games. I wanted to enter the group competition for $10.00 per head, but "A" wisely refused to put up the cash since my high score to that point was 98. The winner's score was 208 and I suppose my hanging out in Margaritaville led me to believe I had more skill than I actually displayed.

We continued the fun at Ted (one of the coworkers) and Val's beautiful house and dined on wings and salad while drinking pretty steadily. Val and Ted seemed to have been waiting for a group of drunken friends to come over in order to play Pictionary. After 20 or so minutes of arguing over the rules, who gets to go first on each team, who had the best pencil, which side of the cards we were playing, who might be a cheater, who would referee, and the big one - what color would represent our teams (both wanted green to represent money - we really were stuck on this issue for a while). These may seem like simple things to settle - not for a bunch of drunk people.

Finally the chicks gave in and we accepted blue as our color and the game began. We quickly moved through the first few challenges and the men seemed annoyed (my "A" actually called us cheaters). One of the players on the men's team kept wandering away from the table in the middle of their round and we wouldn't allow them spontaneous time outs.

The guys sucked. (I had a whole sentence here about the differences in perception and the differences in expression of those perceptions between men and women, but I decided to go with the bottom line - the guys sucked). Our team made it to the final square before the guys were halfway through the board.

Exhausted from the game, the chicks team moved to the living room while the guys decided to play poker.

The ladies had a fascinating conversation regarding hot flashes and our sex drives that continued until we fell asleep on our hostess' gigantic wrap around couch to the sounds of drunk guys trying to bluff each other.

"A" woke me with his wonderful Henessy breath and we took our leave. By this time I was okay to drive and we made it home safely.

Romance and hard liquor aren't always great together, but I swear it's big fun. We romped (took forever to find an acceptable word) for what seemed like ages until right in the middle of a sexy move "A" fell fast asleep - snores and all. I cuddled up to him - then moved quickly away - the snore gave that Hennessy breath an entirely different flavor - one thats totally incompatable with my sensibilities.

Back to Sunday...

After football I hung out at Skatetown in Jonesboro, Ga. and stayed until closing (11:30). I wasn't very adventurous last night and stuck to all the moves I'm already comfortable doing. (and more importantly, know I look good doing)

I was home by midnight and watched "Something New" ( again, this time with "A" and enjoyed my second viewing more than the first time. I love this movie! I was a "big girl" and went right to bed immediately after the movie ended, so I wasn't pissed at the world and I didn't throw the clock at the wall at 6:00 when the alarm went off. (as I sometimes do)

How was your weekend?

Friday, September 08, 2006

Oops I Forgot Stuff

I can't believe I didn't mention this. (whispering firmly: DON'T F***ING TELL HER! We still have to live there)

My home has recently been taken over by a kitten named Grady who has graciously allowed us to stay there as long as we remain amusing and feed her on time. On time means whenever the hell she says it's time.

Why, you might ask, is her name Grady?

Her name is Grady since my very imaginative man "A" was the one in charge of naming her. Oh, by the way - she's gray. (Yuck-yuck)

I've learned that getting up to pee in the middle of the night will be an adventure, since 3 in the morning is the time of day that Grady feels should be used to teach us new tricks. She's generally pleased to find either of us up and doesn't care that we want to go back to sleep.

"Mwreoff" (meaning: "hells to the naw mofos - you're mine now - time to play")
"C'mon sweetie, lay down and go back to sleep." (this is A talking to me)
"Mwreofff" (meaning: "did you mean to defy me? Get your sleepy ass back over here")

I love A, but Grady scratches the hell out of my legs and feet when she plays the "dare to move your feet while you sleep" game so I know what I need to do.

Wearily I grab the catnip toy...

Instructional Stuff

I went to the office breakroom to get a fresh cup o' ice (my morning chew treat) and a cup of hot water for my pack of instant oatmeal (regularity has become important to me as I age) and noticed that the beverage vending machine has a pictorial to explain how to use the machine. There's a little hand putting a little coin into the little slot. The next photo is of a little finger punching the little button. The last photo shows a can of soda in the "pick up your beverage" area of the machine. What'll we do if the pictures get damaged?

I don't recall ever learning from pictorial or written instruction how to buy a soda (or any other item) from a vending machine. I'm pretty sure I saw someone else do it at some point and just copied their behavior.

All shampoo bottles list instructions to lather... rinse... repeat. The words aren't complicated, but one must be able to read the words to understand the instructions. Generally one has had at least a couple of shampoos before learning to read, so I would imagine anyone buying shampoo doesn't need to be told how to wash their hair.

If we go to a grocery store and look at a photo illustrating any food package the words, "serving suggestion" will be in fine print somewhere near the bottom of the photo. Now, I'm not saying I'm brilliant, but even as a child I didn't expect the package content to look exactly like the photo on the box. Why do our manufacturers have the need to let us know that the photo is a serving suggestion? Are there hoardes of people ready to initiate lawsuits if the piece of parsley in the photo isn't included in the box? A can of corned beef hash usually shows a sunny side up egg sitting happily on the plate with it's partner, corned beef hash. Happy toast with a perfect square of butter sit to the side, opposite to a big ole glass of orange juice. Serving suggestions. Who is the world actually expects the egg, the juice and the toast to all appear after opening the can?

Guys may not be familiar, but most chicks have seen the pages and pages of instructions (usually written in English, Spanish and French) that come with a simple box of tampons. There's also a detailed drawing included showing a sidecut of a woman's body and the parts of her anatomy that are involved during a "happy period" (I hate that f***ing commercial). If we follow the drawing the insertion should be simple. Just in case the drawing doesn't suffice, there are the tri-lingual instructions as backup. If I were the one to write the instuctions the box would say - "plug it up". That's it. That's all.

Times when instructions would be really helpful to me are the times I find that they're not included in the packaging. My first husband (why oh why god, why!!!?) needed instructions explaining that due to his very short attention span and minimal intelligence he would tend to forget that he had a wife and children, and that he couldn't be expected to come home on a regular basis. Oh, and his package theme song should have been, "Liar, liar, pants on fire."

It would have been great to get directions for evil ex-boyfriend "W" explaining his need to control everyone around him and his crazy jealousy.

Imagine going for a job and reading the instructions for your boss - insecure and tends to take credit for work subordinates do. Would have saved me sonme heartache in the past. (my current boss is GREAT - he doesn't need instructions so no one needs to forward this article to anyone)

I would love to see what instructions for handling me might be. Any ideas besides 'handle with care'?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Ad Stuff

Sometimes I wake up early in the morning and can't go back to sleep. I generally need something to put me to sleep, and if "A" won't cooperate ("tee-hee-hee" - that was supposed to simulate a giggle, but it just looks kind of stupid, but I'm leaving it anyway) and my usual choice to knock me out is television. Because of "A"'s addiction to the remote, and his need to hide it so that there will NEVER be an opportunity for me to watch a complete show, I generally have no clue as to how to find the f***ing remote at 1:52 in the a.m. I'm willing to get up to turn the TV on, but don't usually want to stand there changing channels, so I'll watch whatever is on at the time.

I love Comedy Central so it's the usual channel my set is tuned to. Fine choice during regular programming time - horrible choice late at night.

Are you familiar with "Girls gone Wild"?

I am very familiar with girls gone wild since this is the only effing commercial played late night on this station and there's actually a whole girls gone wild show that lasts for what seems like an eternity in hell, but must be actually about an hour or so. I don't actually watch the TV - I'm trying to get back to sleep, but I can hear it. And hear it. and hear it. The background music is vaguely Caribbean and it seems that a requirement of going wild is the ability to produce an inane, uncomfortable laugh while flashing the girls.

I don't understand why these girls are going wild. I don't understand why flashing one's boobs is such a great thing to do when there's a cameraman and an idiot host (yes -he's an idiot) in the room. I don't understand why these chicks will perform for FREE. The idiot host/producer is making tons of cash. The cameraman is getting paid. These chicks are willing to flash their way out of potential internships and job opportunities for fame on a $9.99 DVD that Grandpop may be ordering right now.

But wait... there's more:
Other channels offer these wild girls plus other money making, life changing, house cleaning, skin smoothing, hair removing, time saving, body shaping opportunities that you can take advantage of only if you call in the next five minutes. Operators are standing by. ( I always think, 'what a f***ed up job to have to stand by for idiot callers at 3 in the morning'.)

How about the music? For example:
The Golden Days
Over 125 rock 'n roll hits. 7 cassettes-4 payments of $24.99 equals $99.96, or 7 CDs-4 payments of $29.99 equals $119.96. plus $9.95 S&H. 800-510-7625; C/S 719-531-7096; The Golden Days, P.O. Box 4100, Colorado Springs, CO 80934

$119.96 for 7 CDs plus $9.95 Shipping and Handling (the terminology alway got to me - I understand shipping but I don't see why I'm paying you to handle the product so that I can buy it - sounds like doubletalk and rip off to me). I might like 4 or 5 of the songs they played 6 times each during the commercial - the other 120 or so songs are a waste of everyones time. Who buys this stuff?

It seems that people are actually buying the stuff. There are "As Seen on TV" booths and stores in malls all over the country. There's also a website that lists literally hundreds and hundreds of products that were advertised on late night television.

I suppose I'm just not hip enough to buy this stuff. (Y'all know that "stuff" means "shit" in Jalispeak.) I hope I never make it to that level of hipness.

Hint and Answer Stuff

Edit - Spoiler Warning - Edit - Spoiler Warning - Edit -Spoiler Warning - Edit
If you want to guess the music/musicians from yesterdays post - stop reading now!!!
Here are the answers to the hints given:
He forgot the lyrics at a pretty big gig. Musiq (formerly Musiq Soulchild)
There's a Jackson song listed. Joe Jackson
Really cool doggie from a movie. Toto
Opposite of Hi-C. CeeLo
He was Marvelous! Marvin Gaye

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Musical Stuff

We're gonna play name that tune! I pick a verse from 5 songs I truly love. Tomorrow I post the song title and name of the artist. I really do love these songs.

Numero Uno

"Could we be much closer if we tried
We could stay at home and stare Into each other's eyes
Maybe we could last an hour
Maybe then we'd see right through
Always something breaking us in two"


"Hands, don't let her go, 'cause then the midnight icy winds will blow
Eyes, give every drop, to send a wave that's sure to make her stop
Arms, just let her know, no one fills the place she used to grow
Smile, don't leave me now, 'cos you're the reason she's here anyhow
Words, be gentle when you speak into her heart
'Cos if it breaks, she may not come again"

Tree (using Jamaican Accent)

"Hey baby, what'cha know good
I'm just gettin' back, but you knew I would
War is hell, when will it end,
When will people start gettin' together again
Are things really gettin' better, like the newspaper said
What else is new my friend, besides what I read
Can't find no work, can't find no job my friend
Money is tighter than it's ever been"

Fo' (I am down south gotdammitt)

Well I'm extremely cheap
I snore when I go to sleep
The little bit of nothin have leftI'm strugglin trying to keep
Your friends may all agree
You could name a million things I'll never be
If you feel like flyin feel free You know that you could do better than me
I'm a simple man I'm doing everything I can
When God sent you my wayIt was the moment my life began
You stood by me through the storm
Well I was hopin you'd have my hand
I wish I understood how you were strong enough to undestand
Cuz see no one is crazy enough to love me but you.

Five (,Five, Five, Five - sing a song of five....)

"Girl I know this might seem strange
But let me know if I'm out of order
For stepping to you this way
See I've been watching you for a while
And I just gotta let you know
That I'm really feeling your style
Cause I have to know your name
And leave you with my number
And I hope that you would call me someday
If you want you can give me yours too
And if you don't I ain't mad at'cha
We can still be cool cause..."

Hint Section: (not in any particular order)
He forgot the lyrics at a pretty big gig.
There's a Jackson song listed.
Really cool doggie from a movie.
Opposite of Hi-C.
He was Marvelous!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Non Lyrical Lyrics Stuff

promiscuous [pruh-mis-kyoo-uhs]

1. characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

I'm sick of this song:

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want
Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?
Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need
Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready

Why are we glorifying promiscuity in song? Damn. Do you know how many teeny weenies are singing these words at this moment? Do you think Nelly Furtado knows what promiscuous means?


Oh - special note to the evil belly dancers: Don't mess with Laurie (the Arizona Pirate Tinkerbelle. One of us'll shank you!