Thursday, September 21, 2006

Health (Yeah right) Stuff

When Jali Cook does something stupid it's usually not just your regular "duh" kind of stupid. It's the "affect her whole life - makes even Mike Tyson question her common sense" type of stupid. The kind of stupid to make onlookers wonder how she made it to old age. You've heard that old expression regarding 'babies and fools'. Well, guess it's true.

My stupid highlight for this week (and yes there are usually a few to choose from - just like ESPN) is me at the health club on the first day.

I walked in to the workout area with my stomach sucked in as far as I could hold it (as to impress those out of shape people all around me) with a look of determination on my face. The place was pretty crowded and although I lectured myself on the car ride over, I knew I was going to totally disregard my own instructions as usual. (see, I know myself pretty well and try to avoid my self destructive bullshit - but alas these efforts are usually to no avail).

I told myself in the car that I was going to the gym to firm up a bit and to improve my health. I was not, I repeated: NOT going there to show the other people what great shape I was in. (especially since it's been FOREVER since I crossed the gym threshhold). I was not going to sneak a peek at my neighbors stats on the treadmill so that I could go one faster or longer. I would not count the number of sit ups on the incline the others were averaging so that I could do a few more. "This is NOT a contest", I told myself.

It seems that self is an ass.

I took the next available treadmill and immediately checked the stats of my neighbors - "That thin towel can't hide the information from inquiring minds like mine...hmm (squinting as I read) - Incline: 4.5 and speed: 3.0 to the right of me. Incline: 3.0 and speed 4.0 on my left."

I would have to make my incline at least 4.6 and my speed at least 4.1 to prove that I was the champion workout queen in the gym. I know, you're probably thinking WTF is wrong with her. It's not a competition.

I know this now, but by the time my machine started (after I input my stats including false weight information) the theme for Rocky was playing in my little confused head. I was huffing and puffing at the 20 minute mark, sweat pouring into my eyes and ears. I couldn't stop. There were still a few people who started the treadmill before me.
Must.
Be.
The.
Best.

I was in misery. I was soaking wet and it was difficult to breath, but like a mindless robot I continued to jog along at an incline that was waaaaay beyond my capability.
Must.
Be.
The.
Best.

Finally the other competitor gave up. Triumphantly I pressed the "cool down" button.
"Five more minutes? This machine must be f*^%ing crazy! I can cool down on my own."

I slowly wended my way through the various machines on the main floor of the gym, pretending to read the instructions; actually trying to catch my breath before the competition continued.

I happened to have noticed the very few sets of incline sit ups the previous competi..um ... people completed. I knew I could shine in this area. I did my first set of 10 with confidence - my form was great: no rush of movement - every slow sit up measured as I watched myself in the mirror. The next set wasn't as easy, but my form was still perfect - I had to show the onlookers what a great sitter-upper I am. I began grunting with effort and unconsciously sped up the movement during the next set. No reason that each one needed to last a count of 20. Okay, form might suffer a little but I have wonderful endurance. Shit!

Thank god (and I meant all the gods that have ever been worshipped) someone wanted to use the incline. I graciously and generously relinquished my position to the newbie, wiped off the equipment and made my way across the floor. (labored breathing - sweat still flowing)

OMG, would you look at the time!

I went into worried look mode (so that others would see that something must have happened to make the gym champion leave) and rushed out of there.

I sat and sweated in my wonderful car 'Guy' for a few long minutes before summoning the effort to pop in the clutch, release the handbrake and pull off.


more stupid to come...

34 comments:

Elaine said...

HAHAHAHAHA! So I'm not the only person who does the gym competition thing huh? I feel so much closer to you now, after having read that. :D

Must.
Be.
The.
Best.

LOL!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved this. You are much braver than I, I wouldn't even attempt to enter a gym let alone try to show any one of the many cupcakes up.

You go girl... God love you and have mercy on your sore muscles :)

Fairmaiden327 said...

I fucking love you. Jali, I have sucked in my stomach across the street from me, where is where my gym is -- to no avail. Everyone looks like they're from a Coppertone ad. Oh well, I finally embraced it and got comfortable. I have my insecure moments, but that's all they are now -- moments.

You'll be fine, promise.

Anonymous said...

well, I guess that's one way of pushing yourself!

Winters said...

I wish I'd been there to see it!

I always get embarrassed in gyms. i feel that everything I do is futile. Perhaps because I like bicycles that move.

It seems so much more worthwhile...

Miss Ann Thrope said...

I don't do gyms. I do home stuff. I ride my excercycle bike 6 days a week for 20 minutes.

I do upper body with it while I'm on the bike...I use old ivory dish detergent bottles from when they had the narrow middle. I have some filled with water and some filled with those glass bead things people put in vases. Shut up it freaking works, ok?

Miss Ann Thrope said...

oh and I bet you're very sorry that you're competitive nature got a little carried away.

C said...

My son and you should NOT be playmates. He got sent home today for losing poorly and creating a scene in his kindergarten class hee hee. He is impossibly competitive. I always have to pretend to be lousy at everything to let him win. It sucks. I like to win sometimes too.

J-Bigg said...

I am competitive, but you take the cake. My work ethic is strong, unless we are talking about working out. I wish I can go to the gym (weights) with the same zeal I go to the gym (basketball), or the studio (painting) I never get tired of either.

Luke Cage said...

LOL.. I have a competitive side to me, but Jali that was funny luv. I've heard of guys doing that, but not women. One buddy of mine told me he sucked in his stomach, and would put extra weight on the bars to compete with me and my workout pal. The funny thing is, I knew it was more weight than he could handle, but he wouldn't listen to me when I told him to take the weight off. I won't say what happened next. I can see sucking in his stomach outside of the gym, but inside is where you can just be you and simply go for it because everyone's there to workout and everyone who's in serious shape wasn't always like that. They started somewhere too..

Christina_the_wench said...

What's a gym?

(eats another donut with coffee while reading her blogs)

Steph said...

I tried to catch a woman in front of me when i was jogging the other day. She kicked my arse and when i got a good look at her i noticed she was about 50 years OLD!

oh the shame.

Jennifer said...

And it's exactly this - EXACTLY - that leaves me in writhing pain for days afterward, thwarting any serious idea I might have gotten in my pea brain about a new initiative to go on a resolved, consistent basis.

I feel your pain, lady.

Ouch.

Amadeo said...

Next time let your inner soundtrack play the song from The Karate Kid."You're the best...Aaaaaaroooound,andnothingsevergonnakeepyadown!" It works for me but sometime I front kick an innnocent bystander by mistake.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You have a marvelous capacity to be funny as hell when you're surely in pain. Or expecting it to kick in soon.

I have never understood moderation in anything either, but am not physically competitive. I've done gyms, but the machines bore me and I have an almost pathological fear of boredom. Bike riding is always interesting because I can GO places.

I'm proud of you, Jali. You gave up smoking and now this. You are Superwoman for sure.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that at least someone is being honest about their gym efforts. Hey, at least you go.

And, you should really switch to Beta. There are a lot of cool new features. Come to the dark side, Jali.

~Deb said...

Haha, you're hysterical. You know, when I'm using the stair master, I hide my stats with my towel so no one can compete with me. I know they all do it. I just want to annoy them. mwa ha ha! ;)

Sal said...

thing that annoys me about gyms is they've got this big section marked "Free Weights", but boy they don't half put on a performance when you walk out with a few.

false advertising is what it is.

i'd sue but it turns out that running along a footpath carrying large amounts of iron is really great exercise.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I can't stand to have someone running in front of me. So I run harder! LOL

You are going to get back into shape quickly with that attitude!

~Macarena~ said...

Steph, that Tina Turner has been competing longer, that's all.

Jali, was this the time you abandoned House? Don't make me comfort him in your absence.

Mr. Fabulous said...

This just goes to prove what I have always been saying. No good can come from physical fitness.

Join me in a box of danish?

Bellarosa said...

It's so good to know that I am not the only one that does this ... and true to my "self" I typically give up within a month, and joining mr. fabulous in a danish.

CP said...

And how are the legs and upper abs feeling this morning, Ms. Jali???

Sore as a bitch, I bet!

You goddess of all things competitive.

CP.

Bougie Black Boy said...

as usual--I love your writing. Your way of just writing your every-day-happenings with a tongue-in-cheek type of humor is classic!

awaiting said...

Gym?

What the heck is a gym?


You just made me feel like a tub of lard. I need to get my butt to walking or something because my lower end is getting heavier and heavier with each passing day.


Girl, you do have a way with words.

Evolution of gina said...

Uhm... Jali, darlin? It's... uhmmm... Monday. Are you okay? Have you recovered?

I went to the gym today and made it to two miles! Okay, so what if it took me 47 minutes! I did it, dad gum it!

Jali?

Jali?

Anonymous said...

CQAW...I'm impressed by your motivation, jali. I'm usually the complete opposite to that.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great post, Jali. Made me laugh. And oh how I can relate.

djn said...

Jali: very funny. You crack me up! It's now Tuesday. I keep checking back to see an update. You ok?

C said...

Okay Jali - jokes up - come out come out whereever you are. Okay so you are taking this healthy thing too far - at least take time to blog with us. Did you pull a hamstring?

Evolution of gina said...

Jali?

jali said...

Hi everybody,

I took off for a couple of days and I'm soooo touched to read the messages written here. I'm NOT going to do the Sally Field thing and get all mushy, but please know that I'm grinning like a fool this morning because of you guys.

Thanks!

~d (tilde) said...

Gurl! I wanted to make sure you got my response to YOUR comment over at myplace abt the:

Have you ever been in a "just one more" situation when you're enjoying your alone time? I'll put myself into a major cramp trying for the ultimate...damn!

Girl, I am so not going to lie-I was LATE picking up my kid once...hey, dude: priorities! You know?!

~d heart jali

Rhys said...

Hey, at least your stupid is still kick-ass and hot! Ain't nothing hotter than a sexy gal sweating at the gym. My stupids are just lame and ambarassing. :)

How are you feeling after that?