Monday, August 14, 2006

Name Stuff

My doctor and dentist from childhood both subscribed to "Highlights for Children" a kid's magazine and I spent many anxious moments reading the magazine, trying to distract myself from the pain and suffering I was waiting my turn for. (Oh the drill, oh the drill)

'Goofus and Gallant' was a monthly feature of Highlights that I really looked forward to reading. There were cartoon panels showing us (the innocent - meaning STUPID young reader) what each boy would do in various situations. They HAD to think we were stupid "Gallant helps the old lady cross the street. Goofus pushes her in front of a car." Well, not quite THAT extreme, but some months they'd come pretty close.

Of course Gallant was the "good guy" and Goofus was, well, a goofus.

I'm wasn't really a normal kid and I always hated that f***ing Gallant. Just waaay too good for his own good. Poor Goofus, even as a kid, I understood that the root of his misfortune was the name his parents forced on an innocent kid. Had they no sense of self fullfilling prophecy? Why name a kid Goofus and expect him to be good?

My daughter recently told me about twin girls (I'll give you the phoenetic first) Aranzhelo and LeManzhelo:

wait for it...

hold tight...

it's coming...

OrangeJello and LemonJello - I kid you not! What the hell is wrong with people?

Celebrities get away with the stupid names since they have the millions to insulate their children from the bullshit. Moon and Dweezil Zappa did okay as young adults - they're Zappas. Dweezil Jones or Moon Bennett probably wouldn't be as successful. (ya think?)

Little weird looking babies named Denzil and Halle are just sad to see. C'mon y'all don't hate on me - There ARE little odd looking babies in the world. I love 'em all, but some just aren't meant to be named certain names.

I pity the poor babies in first grade trying to write the fanciful names there mothers and fathers gave them looooong after the other children are done. S - H - A - A- N - I - I - Q - U - A M- E - R- C - E- D - E - S J- O- H- N- S- O- N - J- O - H- N- S- O - N. (the mother kept her maiden name in this case - despite having the same last name as her new spouse). Cramps from writing and possible carpal tunnel syndrome at 6 years old is just wrong.

This is for those prospective parents out there: Think first... name later!


Superstar said...

I worked with a "monique" and a "shan-na-a" Shit you not...People are not thinking when they name their KIDS, they think that they are all just playing dress up and thinking that they can send the cabbage patch kids back to the garden when they get fed up w/ them! GRRRRR

APPLE??? Moses? Fiona??? Seriously. I might as well name my child Zeus or Jesus....Think of the playground at recess??? LOL

ZUES: I am not coming off the slide! I am GOD!

Jesus: Hey man, I am the son of christ and I say come on down!

Zues: This is MY land. If you want to come on down go home and watch the "Price is right"

Teacher: Both of you come inside!

HA HA Zues and Jesus are in trouble!

Rev. Smokin Steve said...


now that's funny!

Anonymous said...

I agree, Jali.

Kids can be cruel, and if there's something to laugh at, they'll find it. Often it's one poor kid who gets the whole name calling caboodle. And having a silly name can only make it worse. And that's not fair.

Yes, I did say caboodle.

Chanakin said...

Finally! Somebody else who remembers Goofus and Gallant!

Life, or Something Like It said...

I HATED Goofus and Gallant. That Gallant was always kissing up. Like I wasn't compared to enough people already.
I have a relative named....are you ready? Steve Steeves. Yup. he would kill me if he knew that I was telling you this. We'll keep this just between us, ok?
Going through life with that name.. You better know how to fight. My mum wanted to name me Bridie. I got the nick name Biddie instead. ( which I love,by the way)
I also know of someone who named his kid Queenie.
There ought to be a law!

Cibbuano said...

I love the name OrangeJello!

Aranzhelo... yes, it's a noble name.

mist1 said...

I think it's a shame that children get highlights. I mean, what has this world come to that the children are changing their hair color at such a young age.

Speaking of children, I once had the pleasure of meeting a kid named Asbestos. No lie.

C said...

I named my son Dakota. He thinks the states and the vehicles need to get their own names.

C said...

I just noticed what Mist1 said. Highlights for Children is a magazine subscription for kids. Not stuff.

Steph said...

People who give their kids weird arse names, should stop taking drugs.
It's not being "original" or "quirky". It's being a WANKER!

J-Bigg said...

This was HILARIOUS!!! That Johnson-Johnson line was CLASSIC!!!!

I too hated Goofus and Gallant!!! Goofus was just stupid and Gallant needed to be shot. Your segue into "naming your kids" topic was flawless. I read the Highlights Magazines for the hidden pictures. Don't front. EVERYONE did.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Zappa named his son Dweezil for his wife's big toe (also named by him.) I've always wondered about that and Moon Unit as he didn't do drugs.

Naming babies Denzel or Halle is probably wishful thinking, but Apple? Will Gwyneth's next child be Banana or Orange?

Johnson-Johnson could work if they put an ampersand in the middle.

Making a statement at your child's expense is unfair and selfish. It really isn't cool to name your son Sue, or your daughter something she can't spell and no one else can either. I longed for a "fancy" name as a child, but came to realize that a name couldn't make me special -- my own deeds would either do that or not.

Goofus got nothin' on Butthead.

Luke Cage said...

Wow Jali. Someone finally brought this subject up. I was a little hesitant to post about it seeing as I don't have any children so its easy for someone like me to say something about that. But as most people have alluded to, one doesn't have to be a parent in order to think about what name would be perfect for their kids. Great point about stars who don't have to go through the hassles of peer pressure from their kids' fellow classmates because they can afford private schooling. So true! Nice post as usual.

Christina_the_wench said...

My cousin who is a nurse had a 14 year old girl give birth (Yes I KNOW!) and wanted to name her Vagina.

Vagina! Get your ass over here!

The horror....

jali said...

I love the Jesus/Zeus scenario - hilarious!

rev. smokin' steve,
Guess you can tell how I feel about hyphenated names.

Caboodling (using as a noun since I feel like it) sounds like fun!

Even though I hated Gallant, I always went directly to their section.

life, or something like it,
we all promise not to tell Steve Steeves!

Did I strike a nerve - are those your kids? Orangejello and Lemonjello?

They are just accessories to their mothers (must match the parents' highlights). Poor asbestos.

He's right!

I love the word "wanker". I'm going to start using it in conversation. Drugs must be the reason - or just idiocy.

The Johnson-Johnson was my favorite part of the post. Thanks for the positives - the encouragement helps!

hearts in san francisco,
Someone should do an updated Gallant and Goofus using Beavis and Butthead - it would have to be called "Goofus and Goofus".

luke cage,
You can talk about any subject - sometimes looking in from the outside gives a better perspective. You're a very wise dude (I know this from your weblog), so please just speak. Thanks for all that nice stuff.

christina the wench,
That's the saddest name I've ever heard. Wait until sex-ed class. Poor little thing.

dirk.mancuso said...

I knew I liked you and this cements it!

I hate when people get creative naming their kids. You think that shit is so cool? Then change you rown name, folks -- don't punish your newborn baby with a life of ridicule.

Worst I've seen?

Myrakel Miluv Beeunique.

What the hell were they thinking?

Amadeo said...

I think you should find the funniest person you know and give them your childrens name...whichever one prompts the least amount of jokes should stick. I always think about that song, a boy named sue.

Webmiztris said...

Johnson Johnson? omg, that may be the dumbest thing I've ever heard! lmao!

Laurie said...

My girlfriend worked as a teacher in an inner city school....two names that I remember her telling me:

Pajama (Padge a ma)

Douche (Dooshay)

When Pajama was asked where her name came from she said her mom found it in a "catalog from Sears".

No. Lie.

~Deb said...

Christina, with a name like vagina, you really don't have to resort to calling her the "C" word without any guilt, huh? Oy.

HOWEVER.......My sister had a girl in her class named Ophelia Cox.

Hmm... I think she turned out to be a lesbian...just to be rebellious.

jali said...

"Myrakel Miluv Beeunique". That's just sad.

um amadeo...
every time I see your name I sing "Amadeus, Amadeus". The 80's were sooo bad musically.

Wait till a hyphenated boy meets a hyphenated girl and she decides to keep her full maiden name. Johnson-Johnson-Johnson-Johnson.

Poor little Douche better have excellent sanitary habits.

what else is a girl to do?

Elaine said...

OMG. Orange Jello and Lemon Jello?? They must have been on crack or coming down from an sticky icky high and cravin' some jello.

one of the funniest ones I've heard was "Alize'" .. as in after the alcoholic beverage ALIZE'. I just didn't understand..I was expecting her other child to be named Cristal or something.

And hey! i hated that Gallant fucker too!. Always thought he was up to something with all that "do-gooding" and what not. And Goofus.. poor bastard...

jali said...

Naw - not Alize. Isn't it pitiful?

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